I recently came to the realization that I have succeeded in every goal in my life - except my fitness and writing goals. I started asking myself "Why?"And I'm finding that the answer isn't the easiest for me to digest.
To put this in perspective - In the last 5 years, I graduated college near the top of my class, tried out two very different career paths, found one I really enjoy, and I have managed to move into management... in less than two years with my company. I have found happiness in my personal life - found the man of my dreams, we bought a house together, and we're now raising our puppy-baby...
To give myself some credit on the health front, in those 5 years, I was on a great path in my fitness journey - I had lost 20+ pounds from eating right and learning to tolerate running... then life happened. While I love my job, I am behind a desk and in front of a computer more often than not. While I love my man... we both lost sight of our own fitness goals as we got to know each other and spent more and more of our free time watching TV and movies and laying on the couch together.
Now I have gained all 20 pounds back. I hate taking pictures of myself, and I would much rather take pictures of my dog and boyfriend. I don't have a lot of energy, and I find that I'm cranky the majority of the time. And I'm so tired of feeling this way. I hate that I have regressed, and I can hardly stand to see myself in the mirror anymore. I hate that I want to delete photos - even precious ones with those I love the most- because I can't stand the sight of myself. (I also hate that I feel this way, and I have a hard time accepting myself at any and every weight.)
I have attempted to lose weight several times in the last two years - when I started gaining it all back. Typically I lose sight and direction after about 2 to 3 weeks. If I can find success in every other facet of my life - how come I struggle so much with this?
The answer is a bajillion-fold. But in a nutshell, I have realized that I absolutely positively love food. Not only do I love food, but I love binge watching shows on Netflix. I also make excuses and say that I want to spend more time with the boyfriend and the dog since I work so much, and my personal time can be very limited.
Another area of my life that I have always found challenging to keep up with is journaling and blogging. In my 27 years, I have probably started 100+ journals, and I have only completed one. I have also started 20+ blogs... and I typically keep up with it for about as long as my average "life style change." (So, it's safe to say about 2-3 weeks, on average.)
My history with blogs is so cliche. I was that 13 year old who had a LiveJournal - who would copy and paste lyrics to the most emo-tastic songs on the internet. I would complain, rant, rave, and dissect several areas of my life, but especially my parents. Oh the delights and hormones of your early teens... I would not return to that time for one million dollars.
I find it interesting that I have always been drawn to writing... whether I'm publishing it online, writing personal details in a notebook, an essay back-in-the-day for school, a short story, a poem, lyrics to a strange tune stuck in my head, or character development notes for a maybe-one-day novel. Writing can come with its own challenges - similar to fitness goals - writing takes time, energy, determination, and habitual practice... all of which was never a major priority for me for very long.
On a positive, and a very happy note, I feel different lately. I feel motivated to take on the challenges of succeeding in both my fitness goals and writing goals. I know this time will be different, and I'm sincere when I say I want to succeed. I'm a successful person in many areas - so why not in these areas as well? I want it badly enough.
So... I'm left with raising my cup of coffee this morning, and saying to myself, "Cheers, Nicole Marie. Here's to a new start. This is a new start to your fitness goals, and it's a new start to blogging about your experiences and life while you're on this ride."
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